Hiawatha & the Midges By the shores of Gichi Gumi Rising from the Big Sea Water See the cloud of tiny midges Hear them singing in the sunshine Happy to be free and flying Happy to be near the forest Near the tents and near the tipis Hear them singing to the horses Pawing in the summer forest See them settle on Nokomis Stitching hides and flapping wildly See them cover Minnehaha Running to the cooling water See them follow Hiawatha Running after Minnehaha Flying in their ears and noses Lodging in the braid and buckskin Up the skirt and in the breechcloth In the moccasins and leggings Feasting on their legs and faces Then said mighty Hiawatha I will make a fire of pine wood Offer to the Great White Spirit To the great Gichi Manitou Many prayers and supplications Ask Him how to stop the itching How to send away the midges Then he rescued Minnehaha From the shining Big Sea Water Sent her off to look for firewood And he sent Nokomis with her Itching, scratching as they foraged Still pursued by hymning midges Then the mighty Hiawatha In the whining of the midges In the cries of Minnehaha Heard Gichi Manitou speaking Heard Him ask for many branches Set in heaps around the tipis Burning in a sacred circle Sending up their smoke to Heaven And he said to old Nokomis This will chase away the midges This will stop their biting, biting Their infuriating singing Go and make a paste of honey, Cedar, salt and burning garlic This will stop the bites from itching On your wrinkled face and fingers On my hero’s breast and belly Then with all the balm remaining I will massage Minnehaha As the smoke ascends to Heaven And she smiles in my embraces See the cloud of angry midges Rising from the tents and tipis Out of wampum bag and wigwam Rising angry through the forest In the smoke that bears them upward Smoke of sly Gichi Manitou Chasing from the sacred circle From the skin of Minnehaha From the skin of old Nokomis From the skin of Hiawatha From their cradle by the Water All the midges of the forest Then the sly Gichi Manitou Called upon great Animikii, Called the Thunderer to aid him Save His people from their torment For the Thunderbird is mighty Mightier than Hiawatha And his wings eclipse the Heavens And his winds are like a bellows Blowing life and death before him See him sweep the clouds of midges From the forest to the mountain From the mountain to the ocean From one ocean to another New and shining Big Sea Water Till the wings of Animikii Let them fall on distant forests Let them fall in glens and corries Fall among the peat and heather And the people with pale faces And the cows with orange fringes See the cloud of happy midges Dancing, dancing in the sunshine Happy to be free and flying Happy to be near the forest Near the farm and near the shieling In the land of Merry Dancers Hear them singing to the farmers Flying up their kilts to bite them Hear them singing to the soldiers Feasting on their angry faces There is no Gichi Manitou Listening to their petitions To their curses, imprecations As the sword, the mighty claymore Winner of a thousand battles Swings in vain against the midges Now the lords of loch and mountain Drinking deep at every ceilidh Setting Dubh and Bride reeling Setting old Cruatha jigging Hear the wailing of the midges Hear the wailing of the pibroch Scotland rants and Scotland dances _____________________________ Seven Ages Of TEETH From Cradle to Grave 1. Toothypegs icumen in, Proudly say Goo-goo! Chew the swede And spew the feed And bawl till you are blue - Say Goo-goo! Molar breaketh through the gum, Tooth after tooth comes through; Baby champs And clings to Gramps, And sendeth us cuckoo - Cuckoo! Cuckoo! We long for sleep, Worn out by *bleep* Goo-goo! 2. Yum diddle Lidl Lidl Yum diddle I Yum diddle Lidl Lidl Yum diddle I ... My mother couldn’t make me eat - and me a growing lass - I hated milk and spud and meat And cabbage gave me gas. But then I found a magic snack That saved my appetite And got my Mum’s approval back, My peggies strong and white! ... Oh! SuperCalciFractElasticExtraChunky CheezWhiz - Even tho’ the taste of it Superlatively pleases, If you chomp it hard enough Your fillings fall to pieces, SuperCalciFractElasticExtraChunky CheezWhiz! 3. If you can keep your teeth when all about you Are losing theirs and blaming it on genes; If you can brush and floss when dentists doubt you, (But make allowance for their slender means); If you can brace, not be put off by bracing, But being smiled at, dazzle with your smiles, And being picky don't need teeth replacing, And still keep walking tall, despite your piles; If you can talk with crowns and keep your diction, And tweet and Skype and blog to keep in touch, If you would keep your teeth free of affliction And savings count with you - but not too much - If you can fill the Application Form out For BUPA dental care from year to year, Yours is the Mouth and nothing will be worn out, And what is more - you'll have a Plan, my dear! 4. "Is there anybody there?" asked the Sufferer, Knocking on the lamplit door; And his car in the silence spewed exhaust On the city’s dirty floor; And a bat flew out of the gutter, Above the Sufferer's head: And he banged on the door a second time; "Is there anybody there?" he said. But no one came down to the Sufferer; No head from the soot-stained sill Leaned over and looked into his pained eyes, Where he stood distressed and still. But only a host of phantom dentists That drilled in the clinic then Stood listening in the quiet lamp-light To that cry from the world of men: Stood thronging the faint dust-beams on the dark stair, That goes down to the empty hall, Hearkening in an air shaken (not stirred ...) By the weary Sufferer's call. And he sensed in his gut their strangeness, Their muteness meeting his cry, While his car moved - he’d left the handbrake off - 'Neath the starless and murky sky; So he suddenly hammered the door, even Harder, and shook his head:-- "Tell them I came, and no one answered, I kept my appointment," he said. Not the least stir made their receptionists, Though every word he spoke Fell echoing through the shadowy rooms of the clinic From this single desperate bloke: Oh, they heard him put his foot down, And the grind of tyres on stone, And how the silence surged softly backward, When the racing wheels were gone. 5. O Dentist! my Dentist! our fearful job’s not done; The lips must weather every crack, the prize we seek be won; The lamp is near, the drill I fear, assistants all preparing, While follow eyes the steady hand, the visage grim and glaring: But O teeth! teeth! teeth! O the bleeding drops of red, Where on the bib my fillings lie, My face and tongue quite dead. O Dentist! my Dentist! rise up and hear the bell; Rise up - for you the phone has rung - for you appointments swell; For you bookings and urgencies, the waiting-room a-crowding; For you they call; the patients mass, their aching faces shrouding; Revolve, O doors! and ring, O bells! But I, with thankful tread, Walk mended from the surgery ... My face and tongue quite dead. 6. Who has seen my teeth? ... Neither I nor you. So when my lips hang trembling No food is passing through. Who has seen my teeth? ... Neither you nor I. So when my friends avert their heads Old Gummy’s passing by. 7. An old hippie optimist was standing one day With a drink from his favourite jar. He gazed at the optic as he tumbled and lay In the light of the Tap Room and Bar. Away in the Ladies sat combing her hair His dear hippie potty old mate; While she was retiring her chap was expiring From bugs that bred under his plate. Teeth, teeth, carious teeth - Nothing could stop them From rotting beneath. So follow him follow, He’s booked for tomorrow; Inter him with sorrow And carious teeth. ....................................................................................... Happy 15th Birthday to my Favourite Magazine! In February Ninety-Eight The Twelfth was an important date - ComputerActive on the stands, And, even better, in my hands! For fifteen years from Issue One, Concise, informative and fun, This magazine has stretched my mind, And now I’m never left behind. At seventy, because of you, I help my friends and husband too (Most of whom are even older!) To get the hang of file and folder, Choose computers, keep them clean, (You never know where files have been That friends love forwarding!) and learn When disappointed, where to turn. My darling husband takes to bed The articles that I have read So he can learn to deal with spam And spot the latest nasty scam. He now has confidence to try New software; and we often buy From your reviews the finest kit - You help us make the most of it. Our children all live overseas, But we can keep in touch with these We love, because you showed us how With email, Skype and Facebook now. And how we love the Letters page! It shows we can be any age And keep our faculties intact if We remain ComputerActive! ....................................................................................... MY DOUBLE-DECKER BUS I don’t want a lorry, I don’t want a car, I don’t want a taxi ‘Cause it isn’t very far. I don’t want a bicycle, I don’t want a fuss, I just want an ordinary Double-decker bus. I would like some sympathy, I would like a lift; I would like a warmer place To stand and stamp and shift! I’d like to be a person, But I feel anonymous As I wait for that ordinary Double-decker- bus. We’re not in a blizzard, and We’re not in a storm; We’re just in November and It isn’t very warm! The roads have been gritted, and The fog has gone from us - So what can be holding up My Double-decker bus? There may be an accident. There may be a queue. There may be a sea of cones For him to battle through... ...A smile of explanation Would be less injurious Than your scowl when I fall on board Your Double-decker bus. ...................................................................................... VIRGO RISING Oh it’s fun to be a little hypochondriac! Oh it’s fine to want to lie around in bed! It’s delightful to be lazy lying on your back, To be comforted and cosseted and fed, When the dictionary says you should be dead! Oh it’s fine to be a little hypochondriac. It’s fun to have a cupboard full of pills, Of Calamine and Liver salts and Ipecac And medicines for fevers and for chills, And forms for cutting people out of wills! Oh it’s nice to be a little hypochondriac. I love hotties and thermometers and soup! I know all about a dickey sacro-iliac, Rubella, Yellow Fever, and the croup, And I share it all on Friday at the Group. Oh it’s wise to be a little hypochondriac. You never know when bugs are set to bite! Accumulating therapeutic bric a brac Is an amateur pathologist’s delight - And a different diagnosis every night! And it pays to be a little hypochondriac, Holding pricey Consultations every day! This way I get my self-esteem and money back For the bargain-basement bottles on display, The prescriptions that I never throw away! ...................................................................................... SIXTY SECONDS “Just a Minute on ‘Silver Lining’; Sixty seconds, and starting now!” “On showery days when the sun is shining, A thunder cloud with a beetle brow Muscles in front of the golden glory Threatening day with inky night - But Sol is stronger than Jove is, surely, Lining the cloud with silver light...” “Repetition of ‘cloud’!” “For forty Seconds ‘Silver Lining’ is yours.” “A chap was tarring the roads; for sport he Tried white-lining them on all fours ...” “Deviation! That’s white, not silver!” “I haven’t finished!” “Well, carry on.” “The moon came up, and a gleaming river Of light ... illumined the lines he’d done, Turning them all to silver ... Then he Recollected an old technique ... Um ...” “Hesitation!” “And far too many! Twenty seconds are left to speak.” “I was seven; my first magician Filling the stage with flags and doves Flourished in keeping with his tradition The silver lining of cape and gloves. How it shimmered! The act enchanted This small boy; and that cloak means still Every gift that I always wanted - To mystify, to amaze, to thrill!” “Congratulations! We have a winner; You still spoke as the whistle went!” The Minute Waltz; and we go to dinner, Silver Service and David Brent ... ................................................................. Pain - a macaronic Breakfast by the Sacre-Coeur Baguette with a lot of beurre Lunch will be a Petit Pain Tea will be Baguette again Mais à la Boulangerie There is grande variety So voici un little list Of the Pain you may have missed Pain au Froment - total wheat Ne pas permetté to cheat S’il n’est pas completely blé They will take your marque away There are gens qui run a mile At the thought of Pain à l’Ail Mais la grippe will never win Once you get some garlic in Walnut comme un petit brain Est prisée from Tarn to Seine Daily snacks of Pain aux Noix Are one’s academic choix Pain Nordique ou Pain Polaire Open sandwich en plain air Or the pretty Pain Tressé Comfort food for coeurs blessés Pain Bâtard? The artisan Toujours bakes the best he can Save for quelques-uns très bons qui Come out of the oven wonky Si vous cherchez Matzo bread Ask for Pain Azymes instead Pain Juif, Pain sans Levain Once it’s Passover again Pain Cramique with raisins in Furtive dietary sin Pain d’Épices trop chic to eat Fancy, gingery and sweet Two old favourites of mine Pain Maison, Pain de Campagne Made with n’importe quelle farine Fresh beside the soup tureen Forgeron and Fougassette Niche Provençale assiette Plein d’olives et zeste d’orange Toute unique and great to mange Tous les petits déjeuners Avec coffee come Beignets Yummy doughnuts nous can dunk Adding inches to le trunk Sandwiches a.k.a. Tartines Feasts of salad or sardines Ham or chicken or fromages Perfect fare pour nos voyages Pain de Seigle, Noir ou Son Lovely with goats butter on Déjeunette or Pain Ficelle Little sticks taste just as well Blanc ou Bis or Boule de Pain Brioché and Campagrain Pain de Mie et Pain Complet Même Potage sous son Beret Tous enfin sont Pain Rassis Fit for toast avec confits Or to keep the skinny you Chaque Dimanche le Pain Perdu .................................................... When I'm Cleaning Windows ! ... July 29th is a Wednesday In 2015: Windows 10's day. There'll be no 11 - I'm sticking with 7 Despite what the Microsoft men say! I've scuppered the Updates - so there! I'm no longer tearing my hair. I've started from scratch, Not a worm, not a patch ... But a lot of security-ware!!! I've even gone in for a Mac; I'm giving my PC the sack. In VirtualBox Windows 7 just docks When I'm done. I may never go back. ............................................................. |